This one's a doozy
So it's the end of the year, which means that it is time for Garrett to get a little nostalgic on yall.
This year has been quite the roller coaster. All in all I have to say it has actually been pretty rough. First off, last summer was not the fairy tale adventure I would have planned for myself. I chose to work at Disneyland, a job that I actually really enjoyed, however in a state that I was not familiar with, with no one I knew around (besides obviously my brother and his beautiful fiancee) for company. I felt very lonely and isolated. I would not trade last summer for anything.
I don't want to come across all moody and misunderstood, which frankly is how I feel, but in Little Miss Sunshine, there is a beautiful scene between Steve Carrell and Paul Dano where Paul says he wished he could just skip past high shcool. Carrell talks about this one philosopher believed that the eyars and times when he was suffering were the most important in his life because they were the ones that shaped who he would eventually become. And to want to bypass high school, prime suffering years, would be a huge disadvantage to someone who wants to grow up.
Ultiimately, I feel that explains my summer. It was a really hard time where I changed a lot. I grew much more independent, and I learned about things I shouldn't do when I move to a new place. I feel overall more prepared in life because of it.
Then the school year started, I got back to school and was so happy to be here, and we went right into Cabaret. Again, it wasn't exactly what I was expecting it to be. All the relationships I had freshman year had shifted by the time I got back to school. There's no other way to put it really, but as I was physically seperated from everyone I knew, I felt very cast out. And granted no one really made the effort to include me in the doings around the city, and what's more, as I was one of the directors of Cabaret, I was usually just an hour too late getting out of rehearsal to go out with everyone.
Once the show finished, I spent the rest of the semester really just working on my classwork (mostly acting, the best class I've had at this school so far). I just started getting really frustrated with people here for some reason. I think it was because I truly began to recognize the double standard that is the people in my department. We are constantly being taught to focus on ourselves, our feelings, how we deal with things, and look at the world as we react in it. It's all about us. Everyone is so nice to eachother, "OMG I love you so much!" It's really kind of ridiculous how lightly people are willing to throw around the "L" word at this school, but no one means it.
If the people who claim they "love" me are not able to remember anything that I have ever told them, or ever demonstrated the least bit of curiosity in what is happening in my life, then I am disinclined to believe they really care all that much about me. And the rough thing about all this was the fact that I was certainly not different than a lot of these people. I was guilty of most all the things I was growing to dislike in these people.
Winter break came, and that was a wonderful recharge for me. I had a great time, being with old friends and family, and I was genuinely really upset when I had to come back to school early in order to start rehearsals for Pullmancar Hiawatha. However, that rehearsal process was probably the best part of my year. I was so satisfied by that show, as my first "legit" play, because I learned so much, and got to apply pretty much everything that I had been working on all year. When the show performed, I was so happy with what I was doing, more than any other role I have done before, and this was definitely not my biggest role ever.
Outside of rehearsal I was in Musical Theatre ensemble, preparing for the BFA auditions, working like crazy trying to learn all these new things about lyrical analysis, putting songs together, the delicate balance between singing and acting a song. I was so happy with the creaive challenges that were being placed on me. I felt stimulated but not overwhelmed by all that was going on in my life.
Then spring break, and upon returning to school, preperation for the BFA audition, midterms, rehearsals for On the Town, this was where it was all a little overwhelming. But then the auditions happened, the midterms passed, and everything seemed to kind of crash. I found myself having a lot of downtime, feeling kind of unmotivated, and just all in all kind of sad.
Then On the Town came and went, and that was fun, not nearly as fulfilling as Pullman Car, but still it was fun. And now it's done, and the last week of classes has passed. Tomorrow and the next day are finals, and then school is over.
I've said before, but I'll reiterate, I am still very nervous for the summer, and most of that just comes from last summer. I don't want to feel lonely, isolated, or bored like that again, which frankly has been kind of how I've been feeling lately in general. The thing is, I really need to feel involved in things, like I have somehting going on. Right now, since it's the end of school, everything is just ending, nothing is starting yet, so it's hard to feel all that pumped.
Pretty much all of the upperclassmen in our department have agreed that the sophomore year is the hardest one, and I first hope that they're right, and second think it makes a lot of sense. Me and my classmates have all gone through a lot this year, especially this semester, just in the sense that there are a lot of changes that have been oging on in our lives, getting into studio moving off campus and starting preperation for the real world.
This whole post was triggered by something I saw on facebook. There was a photoalbum of some kids who went ot my highschool who just had their trip to Disnyeland, I'm not sure what for, maybe choir, who knows. But that just sparked so many memories. I can not believe that it has been two entire years since I graduated high school. On one hand it seems like no time has passed at all, on the other, it feels like it happened ten years ago. I feel very detached from Chaparral and AZ in general in many ways now, but naturally it is the place that feels most like home to me still. I have such fond memories of senior year, and my trip to Disneyland and that whole last semester of high school. It really was a crime how much fun I had.
I do really miss that. In many ways I miss how carefree and frankly naive I was in high school. I feel much harder, and older right now, but I think I prefer that. I feel like I see the world now much clearer than when I was 18, that I see myself much more honestly, and with that I think comes the potential for a much greater, and realer happiness than the more shallow form I feel I experienced through high school. I'm obviously not there yet, but the journey is thrilling, and I believe is what teaches me what I need to know in order to appreciate it when it comes.
Oh life right? Well it's almost three o'clock in the afternoon and I have yet to shower today, which is pretty gross. I also have a paper to write, and some friends to spend time with before they leave in a couple days. So I am going to sign off, and just end right there.
Comments
I was thinking the same thing about being "harder" than I was in high school. There are times I miss it, and wonder how it could have possibly gone by so quickly. But the routine of getting up, going to class, doing a little homework, eating with my family... it's just weird to think that I will never have that anymore. ANYWAY. I DO love you, so there <3333
Wow. I've been slacking on reading up on you! First: Congrats on the job- Summer in Boston will be unreal. I hope you are still going to the reunion- as I KNOW you will be at the wedding. Second: Getting older rocks. Sure you are a little resistant to it at first, but wow. I like my 31 year old self loads more than my 21 year old self- and really liked her as well. Oh, and OMG I totally love you!